I always knew that my ex-husband was controlling to an extent. It was evident after two years of dating him when being my true self started to become problematic for him. My joy and spark were slowly fading, and it showed. It reflected in most of the things I did, I even changed the type of law I worked in to keep him satisfied and end conversations about me working with “criminals.”
|My photo skills on full display here.|
It also reflects in the huge gaps in the journal I kept during that period. It was difficult to write without him asking what I wrote about. It often felt like he was monitoring me, so I stopped writing in my journal, stopped creating short stories, I stopped blogging. I cannot put one hundred percent of the blame on him, I chose to stop writing, but his relentless scrutiny did not help. I decided it would be easier to stop blogging than deal with him or his family.
The gap in my journals troubles me because it is something that I have always done, journaling. I have always enjoyed making a record of life events. I always thought that my journals would be something fun I would share with my kids one day. A way for them to read and not feel alone if they felt similarly and a sort of roadmap on what not to do. Unfortunately, all I have are painful memories of that time in my life and me not journaling was a form of self-preservation. If there was no record, my future kids would not have to read about how lonely and unhappy I truly was. I would skip past the abuse and torment that we both put each other through, and everything would be rainbows and butterflies. I know at the time I felt too bruised and broken to write about what was really going on because I wanted to avoid having an argument about my feelings. I found myself constantly justifying them and it became draining. My blog was the only outlet I had at the time and eventually that small sliver of happiness would also be taken away.
My blog used to focus on beauty and fashion. I love fashion and thought it would be fun to share my style. I even started building relationships with beauty brands and wrote reviews about their products. I started making revenue from a company that focused solely on fashion. I was getting paid commission for clothing people purchased from my online closet. I felt good about building my brand, which at that time went by another name. Then it came to a screeching halt.
It was the constant berating about my interests, which included building my brand that made me stop entirely. I could not emotionally or psychologically manage that my hobbies were a topic of conflict in my relationship. My blog did not make sense to someone in his family that worked in fashion, and whether that is true I am uncertain about. Unfortunately, I was being lied to daily that I wonder now if this too was a lie. I heard about how his family did not like this post or that post. It became unbearable to write because I felt suffocated. I finally made the difficult decision to stop blogging, and I regret it because I wonder where I would be now.
Due to that regrettable mistake, I am starting over because of the pressure I felt from individuals that could not be happy with themselves. I let their opinions and constant complaints silence me. It is something that I cannot believe I allowed to deter me from my dreams of writing. It is a sad truth that I must accept. I have had to grow past this setback, and it has motivated me to come back stronger and better than before.
When I have moments of procrastination, I motivate myself to hit the keyboard. Yes, I have struggled getting back into the swing of things since ending my marriage. Mostly because of the challenging work that goes into blogging, but I can do this! I am falling in love with the process of writing again and am enjoying sharing my life experiences. Whoever reads my blog will learn something from my mistakes, and it may prevent them from taking the same path I did. It will let them know that they are not alone. That there are others who have experienced what they may be going through and there is a happy ending.
The important thing is that I stay focus and go back to doing the things I love. I cannot allow outside influences from stealing my happiness again. I know that this will take a lot of work, and there may be a chance that someday I will blog about fashion again, but for now I am finding my voice and am enjoying the process of reintroducing me to myself again.