Reflection can be difficult, even more so when you are reading your own words. Your fears are written in black and white and there is a part of you that wants to save yourself from the unraveling story being written by a younger version of yourself. It is overwhelming at times and having to relive your darkest moments can be exhausting.
There are parts
of myself that I have sealed off and have not accessed in years. Parts of the pain that I slowly drowned out
and forgot about. I recently read
a few entries from the time I got engaged to my now ex-husband. I did not get
to experience that euphoric over the moon feeling one gets when you announce
your engagement. Our engagement was met
with resistance and immediate dread.
At that time,
there were many moving parts in my life.
My ex and I had just moved to Los Angeles, I was unhappy at the firm I was working at, there were addiction problems that my family was
working through, and there were deep cracks in my relationship. Deep rooted wounds my ex and I were both
trying to put band aids over as our attempt to “fix” things.
being in that relationship due to the lying, gaslighting, and insecurities he
nurtured and exploited time and time again.
I could barely keep afloat but wanted to make the relationship work
because I believed that he too wanted to fight for us and make things better. We were building successful careers and
working hard to be the “power couple” he wanted us to be.
things went wrong, there were promises made and broken. It was exhausting going in circles, but I was
hopeful things were getting better when we got along or when promise rings were
exchanged. I believed that this was the
real deal. Looking back, when things
became overwhelming, we dug our feet deeper into the sand. We were hopeful we would dig ourselves out,
but nothing was working. Not even couples therapy could save us. Our hearts
were not in it, and we were too stubborn to admit it.
were driving us apart and we did not end things sooner because we believed that
we could overcome those differences. I
thought he would free himself from his controlling family, and he believed that
I would learn to be submissive and be seen and not heard. It was terrible.
was met with immediate disapproval from his family. His mother immediately stopped being “sweet”
and became offensive reminding me that I was not white every time I saw
her. His sister, whom he was not close
with, was upset that he did not discuss his decision to propose to me with
her. His parents were opposed to an
engagement party, my older sister told me that the universe was much bigger
than my engagement when I asked her about hosting my bridal shower. My parents were distracted with my other
sister, I felt no genuine support from my family or friends. The writing was on the wall and we both kept
painting over it and ignoring it. How
were we supposed to succeed when our families were not supportive of our relationship? We were left to drown and drown we did.
It is painful to
read my journal entries from this time.
I have had to take a break from writing to process and cry. The lack of support we experienced is
probably why I am not too keen on getting married again. I entered my marriage dejected
and broken. I had no emotional support
from my husband, I could not be the partner he needed. I was wrapped up in the lies he constantly told,
and I was dealing with rejection from his family that I was beyond
consolable. I felt like there were bombs
constantly going off around me and I became unbearable to be around. There was something that literally broke
I read the
emptiness I felt, and it breaks my heart all over again. The anxiety of those years rushes to the
surface and struggles for air. How could I have missed the signs when they are
written in the pages of my journal? The
anger, the loneliness, the lies. All of
it preserved in the pages I had not revisited in years.
Maybe love is
blind? Or maybe, in my case, I am too
stubborn to let things die. I enter relationships
to make them work at all costs. I am a
warrior for love and only want the love and support I provide to my partner to
be reciprocated. I want to make my
partner proud and share mutual respect for our passions and dreams. Perhaps I turned a blind eye because I loved
my ex wholeheartedly and refused to admit that it was not mutual.
Rereading my journal is painstaking. I think reliving memories I buried is difficult but processing them will guarantee healing and I deserve to heal. The woman that suffered for all those years deserves her moment to shine and be happy.
Photo Credit: "Yes I over think, but I over-love." women.com on Pinterest.