I have been struggling lately to write new posts for my blog. Not because I do not have anything to write about, but because I struggle with not trying to be trendy. I want to be original and refrain from doing what everyone else is doing. It is hard in a world where everyone competes for affirmation and likes on social media. Do not get me wrong, we all want likes, but I want likes for my authenticity.
|Feather earrings were all the rage . . . |
The truth is, I do not do trendy things any longer. I enjoy listening to what this generation would call old school music. I love Mariah, Britney and Third Eye Blind. I do not want to jump on a bandwagon and write about what is happening now. I want to create content for, perhaps, a specific group of people. Those of us who often ask, “What the fuck is going on?”
|Red will always be my color . . . |
As our lives shift so do our interests. When I first started trying to develop this blog, I wanted to be hip. I wanted to keep up with fashion trends and what was in and be a leading voice of it all. A girl can dream. It did not work that way. I am not built to keep up with trends, I am a procrastinator and lose interest quickly. My lack of interest did not stop me from trying. Life is about failing and finding your voice.
Instead of feeling pressure to be obsessed with trends, I like to hang out with my dog and boyfriend in lounge clothes. I love snuggling with our cat. I enjoy being outdoors and gardening. I feel accomplished when I take on the task of making a new dish and being successful at it. I love trashy TV and listening to murder podcasts. Mostly, I like who I am today. I am not a walking train wreck.
|A girl and her bestie. ❤|
I am still on a journey to come fully into my own. I have been through a lot and was really lost in my early twenties. I did not know why that was and only started to truly understand why I operated the way I did in my thirties. This understanding began when I started to go to therapy while I was separated from my now ex-husband. I had had enough of being in horrible relationships that made me feel like I was not good enough, even though I knew I was enough. I deserved everything I fought so hard to attain in my twenties and in my marriage.
It was the revelation that my programming, the way I interacted with the world, stemmed from my father’s alcoholism. Something that I thought I had processed and worked through when I did therapy in my young twenties, but it was still there haunting me. No, my father is not entirely responsible for how I was behaving. He did the best he could, he is human. Rather, it was my lack of wanting to change. My lack of interest in understanding why the bad things that had happened were a direct result of my bad decision making. The operating skills I had were faulty and it was up to me to learn healthy skills to live a happier life.
This is all to say that how I once operated no longer has purpose in my current life. I no longer have the desire or desperation to fit in. I no longer feel pressure to belong by being trendy to feel happier or achieve a healthy state of mind. I can be myself and put my thoughts on paper.
I do not know what direction my writing will take me, but I do hope it resonates with at least one person.