When Can I See You Again?
Going through a breakup is tough. No matter how long you have been with the person, the sting feels the same. Whatever your process is, we can all agree that we feel the ache of loneliness. As a young adult, everything was earth shattering. I thought I had hit the jackpot with every jerk I dated (wrong), or loved them (dumb), or (my favorite) destined to be with them. It’s okay. I felt too much or fell too hard for the toads that hopped their way into my life. I wanted to be loved and love. Don’t we all?
My favorite part of a breakup is the freedom I feel, which is probably indicative that things were not working out. We all have that little voice that gut feeling telling us that things are not going well, but we turn a blind eye or make excuses for our partners and dig our heels in the sand. We’re human, we make excuses for our best friend’s drunken misfortunes, for the same reasons we make them for our partners. We fear change and loneliness.
It's okay to accept that you have outgrown that space in your life and sometimes that means we have to leave people behind. I'm a firm believer that if I am meant to be friends with a person for the rest of my life, they will catch up to me or I will catch up to them and we will rekindle that relationship. This is true for friendships, not romantic ones. If I left you in the past, that's where you shall remain.
I was recently asked how I got over my ex. I find the question odd because our lives are filled with different experiences that make us who we are in the present day. For instance, I’m an adult child of an alcoholic. I can tolerate toxic behavior better then someone who has never lived in an environment ruled by chaos and anger. I can also get swept up in it quite quickly, even though in my mind I say I will not. It depends on the person and the level of awareness. Nowadays, I tend to mark people off with an invisible "X" and move on.
That is one of the lessons I learned with this last relationship. I got swept up in the image he sold and the person he claimed to be. I wanted to believe so badly that he was the person he said he was and that I would live happily ever after. Wrong. In the aftermath of the breakup, I realized that I abandoned my dreams, my desires, and stopped putting the work I was putting into living a healthier and happier life before I met him. It's astounding that I was enveloped into his world and lost myself in his chaos, but that's over now.
Since ending that relationship, I have made a lot of progress in reacquainting myself with the things I abandoned. I am finding my voice, and most importantly, focusing on my goals and am not afraid to tell a toad to keep hopping.
My process changes depending on the person I am splitting from, but one thing is consistent. Music helps me get through it. I typically don't listen to the sappy love songs. I only listen to them when it's raining outside or I feel the need to cry. I had the fortune of two albums dropping around the time of my breakup that helped me get through it, and boy was I happy they did!
The first, Lemonade by Beyonce. My favorite song, "Don't Hurt Yourself." Overall, that album captures the beauty of a breakup (and reconciliation) from start to finish. The second, Invasion of Privacy by Cardi B. "Be Careful," "Ring," and "Thru Your Phone" were in an odd way, anthems. What she was rapping about resonated with me. She has this tough exterior, but the lyrics portray her vulnerability and the deep seeded pain she feels at the hands of her significant other. I related to that sentiment.
I also tapped into some classics: Trigger Happy Jack, Poe, It's a Wrap, Mariah Carey, and You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette.
To answer the question of how I got over my ex, I allowed myself to mourn the loss of what was once constant in my life and didn't allow myself to live in it forever. I felt the pain, sadness, and anger. It was only after I allowed myself to feel that I started to put the pieces back together the way I wanted to. Not how my friends or family told me I should. It is the first time in six years that I have had full control of my life and I am going to live it the way I want to.
What inspired me to write this post was a song by Babyface.
To listen, click: https://open.spotify.com/track/2zItQNJrVrTioXTXWiI2ed?si=fo3G5v3ZTnSJjWammJC7ZA